Muster up the courage to face yourself.
"abandoned" means: people who once thought "it's a pity to miss you" have the last thought of "better without you".
is a little bit of getting along with each other for more than three years. All the shortcomings I have exposed make a person who once liked me want to give up my life completely.
this is a big blow to me.
when I first broke up, I would sit alone at the dinner table at six o'clock in the evening when we often had a video chat, from silent tears to wailing. Sometimes you need to pull up to relieve the pain in your chest.
because I was not used to the daily chat that was forced to stop, on the eighth day after the breakup, I carefully sent each other a "yes, something I want to say to you".
even when there is no contact, I have collected 184 "compound strategies" on Zhihu, and have a basic understanding of the terms "disconnection, self-improvement, and secondary attraction".
but I still feel a little comforted by the other person's second return. It's like taking a big breath of fresh air after suffocating for eight days.
what I reflected on that time, to be honest, I can't remember clearly.
all I remember is that he said, "seems to be aware of the problem, and the next paragraph will go more smoothly."
looks like I had a miserable life after the breakup. But I think I deserve it.
in November 20, he went to Japan to prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination.
one day in December, I woke up from a nap and browsed to the moments of a girl I didn't like very much and posted a picture of her with her boyfriend.
I feel jealous because I don't think I'm worse than her, but her boyfriend looks much more handsome.
and emotions similar to those brought about by comparison often emerge in the more than three years of our relationship.
when we were together, I cared about his height and appearance. He was only less than ten centimeters taller than me. He was a little fat. When he laughed, his eyes narrowed into a slit and looked at his folly.
like all the times we communicate, he first said briskly, "then why don't you hold me tight?"
seeing that I was still hesitant when I was 20 years old at that time, he encouraged me: "how can I know if I don't try hard?"
after being together, I do feel his progress. For example, he will pick up Japanese again in order to study abroad, nibbling on the original Japanese textbooks in professional courses that he does not like.
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he has been very kind to me for three years. Care about my health most, an expression can read my mind, always listen patiently and make me happy again.
he has done everything he can. It's just the unchangeable factors of height and appearance that always make me mind.
so I never post a group photo, nor do I introduce him to my closest friends.
I can travel with him to places that no one knows, but I can't hug generously under the dormitory.
that noon in December, when I was again stimulated by other people's circle of friends, I clearly realized that I didn't want to have a future with him.
I struggled for more than half a month. On the afternoon of January 4, I wrote a long letter and offered to break up in the video: "I tried, but I still couldn't."
I'm not surprised that he quickly accepted it.
when a person's actions, words, and even expressions repeatedly say, "We don't necessarily have a future," you can't help but start preparing for separation.
I didn't expect that after I broke up this time, I backed out that night.
when I opened the love impression notes we ran together and saved them one by one, looking at his words and photos, I began to hesitate again: I seem to have missed someone who loves me very much.
I think that he, who has always liked me better, will come back to me soon as long as I can accept it.
unexpectedly, when he heard me propose to get back together, his reply was: "there is no medicine for regret."
although under my soft and hard bubble, he agreed. But I was particularly nervous about whether I had completely hurt his feelings this time.
I fell into the most sense of security-free period:
send him more than a dozen screenshots of our past memories before going to bed every day.
I still question him ferociously because I am not satisfied with his answer to a couple's test question.
so on January 18, 21, after I asked him a series of questions about "do you love me or not" because of "saying the wrong thing", he said, "I'm tired."
for a long time after the breakup, my biggest feeling was guilt.
I also know that "equality" should be the foundation for couples to get along with each other. But I am dissatisfied with him, in fact, there is no way to really respect.