An article that is easy to write, but difficult to publish.
I have never met my grandfather, nor have I heard his story. All I know is that my father only went to primary school when his brothers and sisters left the society one after another.
so in my dad's words, "they don't care about me anyway, they just give me money."
because he has not been treated correctly by his elders at all, so that he does not know how to treat us correctly.
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so much so that when I posted a couplet with my sister on the rooftop that day, my sister and I reached a consensus: "he is so sick that he scolds everything."
I remember my father's surprise at that time. With a little grievance on his face, he lost his usual irritability and said, "you lose so many bikes every year, I go and buy them for you every year, as well as your childhood computers, PS2, game consoles, and scooters, you think I'm not good to you."
that's all that's good, and it has long been wiped out by several foreign debts behind him.
immersed in the engraved mahjong and the Mark six lottery divided into twelve zodiac animals, a person hid in the hall on the ground floor with no lights on, full of cigarette butts, and anyone who walked in felt that it could not stay long.
he forgot that he had a pair of children and that he had a wife.
so I would still be beaten with swollen legs in the sixth grade. When I was in junior high school, he told me, "when you grow up, I won't hit you in the future."
at that time, I did not realize the truth of "everything on my own". On the contrary, I thought that "some people would 'try' my son's high school entrance examination."
after school left early on Thursday afternoon, I was wondering whether I should take advantage of three hours of free time to play CS or Warcraft, only to see a court seal on my doorstep.
I didn't hate it at that time. I just sent a message to ask my father, "my family has been sealed. Where are you?"
about an hour later, he called me. His tone was not calm, but he was not in a hurry, like "it's strange to see something strange." it was similar to the tone when a patient with cancer called home: "I'm outside. You don't have to worry. I'll take care of it."
I used PHS to call him again and press the speakerphone button. My mother cried while her nose was running. "you come back, you come back, you come back."
"then come back".
I learned later that if I really "can handle", there will be no "need to deal with" situation.
then, almost every year, in 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, there was a new debt at home.
he says "no" every time, but every time.
"not every time" becomes "every time", and "every time" becomes "forever".
again and again.
when he woke up, he said, "almost died".
I accompanied him for a walk one afternoon, and he said, "I always wanted to do something, do something big, and let the family prosper. I didn't expect to lose money. "
he didn't answer me, or rather, I forgot his answer.
like that year, he slept until 12:00 every day, finished his meal, began to play mahjong, played into the evening, continued to play after dinner, played until three o'clock in the morning, and then slept until 12:00 the next day, round and round, for almost ten years.
"so sometimes I watch you play games, and I think you look a lot like me at that time."
later I asked my father, do you remember the day my head teacher visited home in junior high school, you were also playing mahjong?
on January 15th, 2022, I am 28 years old.
"A newly written old song,
write a son of Man.
after listening to this song, I found a brewery to sit down and move the computer out, hoping to make peace with my father through words.
written at 7 o'clock in the evening
in the Wukang Building
at 10:00 in the evening, but you should also understand that you feel comfortable when you turn the temperature up. Then if you don't turn the air conditioner down a little bit at that moment, the temperature will start to get too high.
I spent some time thinking about my recent changes. For example, I can already ask the other person to adjust the temperature of the air conditioner. I couldn't say that before, although I still couldn't get him to lower the temperature at the last minute. But I think my progress is obvious.
after being in a daze for a while, I began to read Jung's autobiography.
for some reason, it occurred to me that if the personal experiences presented in this book are real, is it possible that the real life of each of us can be extremely unusual?
the reason why my father began to make big mistakes after I entered junior high school.
it was only in those years that he could not really "leave" or "die" whether he was confused or fell into repetition at the poker table, because some of his remaining selves still retain biological survival instincts.
following this line of thinking, I also seem to have found the answer to another question that I have never understood.
because his "father" identity has completely died after I turned 20, and he lives through me.
"I don't want to affect you."
as I mentioned before, I think that in addition to the "external me", I also have an "inner me". In previous counseling, I said, "I saw the child, placed in the corner by me, covered with dust."
not only was he covered in dust, but the corner where he crouched was the hall on the first floor full of cigarette butts. The only light came from the computer screen. He stared at the computer and did nothing.
"I'll take you out."